Attention to Endings
November 10, 2019
Rev. Douglas Taylor
Snow arrived this week. Autumn is beginning to give way to the beginnings of winter. I noticed an empty bird’s next outside my kitchen window yesterday. The light coat of snow and a certain slant of the light accentuated it more. It had been there for months, but I’d missed it until the snow helped me see it. So begins winter in my yard.
We Unitarian Universalists like to say that every day is a new day. At Christmas time we remind ourselves of the now-traditional exhortation from Sophia Fahs: “Every night a child is born is a holy night.” Births, beginnings and ‘new days’ hold a special appeal for us. They hold a special appeal for everyone I should imagine, we’re not unique in that. People like beginnings. We like the first sip, opening a new book, starting a project, and that ‘new car’ smell.
Endings are important as well. Indeed, as the reading mentioned, “Endings and beginnings are happening all the time in our lives.” Today may be the first day of the rest of your life, but it is also the last. It is the culmination of all the preceding days, at least so far. In the grand scheme of your living, today may not be a dramatic beginning or ending, but there are smaller beginnings and endings threaded throughout today for you – for us all.
The continuing flow of time gives us the feeling we are in the middle of the story rather that the beginning or the ending. And that is one useful way to perceive it. But I will also note that the morning is almost over and the afternoon will soon begin. Endings are happening all over the place. And while most people are draw to beginnings, I contend that how we navigate endings is far more important. “Ending well’ is a too often neglected art.
How do you end things in your life? We tend to have a great deal of recognition around beginnings, but not much around endings. Graduation ceremonies are as close as we get. Retirement parties do happen. But there is very little done around ending a relationship or going through a divorce, around leaving home or a job, finishing off payments on a significant debt, or even just at the end of the day.
Does anyone still say a prayer before going to bed? There is probably a cultural element to that. I think it would be a valuable practice to pick up again. The day has ended, what will you do to honor the day.
I met a UU professor in seminary who shared the following outline of his own end-of-the-day spiritual practice. He said that before he went to bed, he would pour himself a cognac, sit in his big easy chair with the lights low sipping his drink. He would think back on the day and try to see the ways in which the things he had said and done that day had hurt someone, or caused another pain. And he would also think on the things others had said or done which he had found hurtful. And then he would say a little prayer of forgiveness and go to bed, knowing that tomorrow would be a new day.
Not exactly the same image as a young Christopher Robin in his PJs, hands clasped, kneeling at his bed saying “Bless this silly old bear.” But the ingredients are all there.
How would you honor your day there at the edge of night? Rather than simply crawling into bed, might you take a moment to reflect on the day, to give your attention to what the day has been and what it might have meant for you? Maybe you keep a journal or a daily blog?
Autumn is slipping by. Thanksgiving comes after the harvest that we may gather in and give thanks for our blessings. And it is a similar moment in time to evening. Rather than simply crawling into winter, we take a moment to reflect on the season, to give our attention to what the season has been and what it might mean for us.
Some time back I was visiting a dying person who was moderately connected to the congregation. In their last week, when I visited, I noticed there was a hospice volunteer by the bedside all the time. I learned it wasn’t just for companionship, it was also because this person kept trying to get out of the bed and go do something. That’s what their life had been like – constantly on the move, always on their way somewhere. It must have been frustrating to be stuck in bed that last week, dying. But I would not expect the way this person died be any different from the way this person had lived – up to the end, ready to head out to do the next thing.
Last year while another congregant was winding her way through her last weeks, I remember visiting over at the Hospice House. Every time she would ask some question about me, something about what I thought or believed. That’s what she’d been like in life too. Even when she lost the capacity to host such conversations, she would still make the effort to ask about something all the same. That’s just how she was. I would not expect her to approach her last weeks so differently from the way she approached her whole life.
So, what will it be like for you? One of the hymns we sing each year at the passages service, “We Laugh, We Cry” (SLT #354) has the line, but as we live, so shall we die… There is an integrity to our lives that doesn’t disappear when we come to the ending. It can be stymied by diminishing capacity and control, but still it remains. As we live, so shall we die.
But this is not just about memorial services and the big final ending of our lives. It is about all the little endings along the way. How we end things is what opens us for the ongoing flow of life. It is how we continue to carry the light.
One suggestion is to create little rituals, add moments of intent and attention with the various endings we experience. In researching for this service, Dorothy found an article she passed along to me titled “The lost are of closing rituals.” https://www.radiantwholenesshealing.com/the-lost-art-of-closing-rituals/ The article suggests 4 steps to make a good closing ritual: Appreciation and Gratitude, Lessons Learned, Letting Go, and Moving Forward.
First, offer gratitude. At the end of the day, the end of a relationship, the end of a life: offer gratitude. Give thanks for the good things that have been. It is sad when something good ends, but the great thing is that while it has ended, it will never not be part of our experience. We can always carry with us the good things we received from the relationship, for the day, from the work that is now complete. Offer gratitude.
Second, review; what did you learn? When something ends, take stock of what has occurred, Is there a lesson? Often, we can learn something from our time. The day is done, the job is complete, the project is finished, the relationship is over. Are we better for it? Can we carry something forward that will help us be better? One way to give attention to an ending is to learn from it.
1, offer gratitude; 2, learn from it; and 3, let it go. Acknowledge what didn’t work, the hard stuff and the hurt. We can offer gratitude for the good stuff, but let us also acknowledge the hard stuff. Maybe it’s not something we can learn a lesson from – we can simply survive it. Sometimes when something ends, it is because it was too broken to keep going. Acknowledge that and then let it go. Release it.
And the step four, according to the suggestions in that article, step four is: Move on. So, it’s the end of the day and you’re saying your prayers. You’ve offered gratitude and acknowledged what didn’t go well. You’ve noticed a lesson or seen growth in yourself. Now, take a deep breath and do the next thing. In this bedtime example, that probably means: go to bed. In another example it might mean, move forward with your life into the beginning that often follows an ending.
There is more light still in the world. Giving attention to our endings is not a way to be maudlin or morose. We are not meant to dwell on our endings. Instead by attending to them, we can move on from them into the next beginning that awaits.
When push comes to shove, it is not a solid theology or a clever idea, but the caring presence of companions that is wanted in the end. Some attention to what is happening. It is good and right to help one another so, as witnesses. And sometimes we see more clearly at the end, with a light coat of snow and perhaps a certain slant of the light. By attending to our endings, we can move on from them into the next beginning that awaits. This is how we live. This is how we die. It is the light we offer. This is all we have to offer. It is enough and it is good.
In a world without end, may it be so.
How to Belong When the World Wants You Lonely
We start from this recognition that we all have cracks and broken places in our lives and in our hearts. We all carry experiences of loneliness and heartache. How beautiful it can be when we’ve healed and allow ourselves to reveal the healing rather than hide it; when we witness for others that healing can happen, that it does happen quite often. We all can shine because we all are broken. And the way this works and holds true is when we recognize that it’s not about the cracks and broken places. It’s about the love that flows through.
There is a love holding us
There is a love holding all that we love
There is a love holding all
We rest in this love
But it’s not always like that, is it? Too often though we receive messages that our broken places, our healing places, are somehow ugly or unsightly. We learn, unfortunately to be ashamed of the wounds we have received and overcome. That we are not welcome to let our brokenness shine. We receive messages to hide our blemishes and imperfections as if they are bad. That if we want to fit in, we need to not be broken. If we want to fit in, we need to not let our scars show. If we want to fit in, we need to be something other than what we actually are.
I’ve been thinking about this topic of ‘belonging’ for a while now. Tomorrow I am heading up to a colleagues’ meeting. The Saint Lawrence UU Ministers gathering happens twice each year. The Fall gathering begins tomorrow afternoon. We gather for some program time together, some worship, socializing, and just generally being together. One delightful practice we have is to invite a colleague to share their Odyssey or spiritual autobiography. This is similar to the Elder Wisdoms we have here in our congregation except at our clergy gathering we don’t structure it like an interview. What we call an Odyssey is a colleague sharing the story of their life, their spirituality, and their calling.
Well, as it happens. This year is my turn. Tomorrow I will be delivering my odyssey to my colleagues. This has me thinking about our topic of belonging because part of what I will share with them is that the root of my calling into ministry, which arises from what I have come to call a Crisis of Belonging. A pivotal aspect of my call to ministry centers around something that was missing for me in most places in my childhood but I found at church: a sense of belonging.
It is so hard, is it not, to feel like you do not belong. At the beginning of the month, during the First Sunday workshops, I hosted a small group workshop on the topic of Belonging. October’s monthly theme is Belonging. I remember how some people entered the conversation through the reverse question – not ‘when have you felt like you belonged?’ but ‘when have you felt like you did not?’ It is somehow easier to access those memories and feelings of being excluded or forgotten.
So, to talk about ‘belonging’ often is to begin by talking about experiences in which we have been excluded, shamed, and the countless ways in which we have felt we do not belong. Certainly, that is my experience. The concept of ‘belonging’ raises an initial flood of memories and feelings in me about not belonging. According to Dr. Brene Brown, this is normal. She says this, I remember, in her very first TED talk way back in 2010, the one about vulnerability. https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en If you have 20 minutes some evening, search online for Brene Brown’s TED talk about vulnerability, it is well worth a second viewing too.
She was talking about her experience of researching the topic of vulnerability and authenticity. She explained: “When you ask people about love, they tell you about heartbreak. When you ask people about belonging, they tell you the most excruciating experiences of being excluded. And when you ask people about connection, the stories they told me were about disconnection.” She thought she was studying connection and discovered she was actually doing research on shame. Because that’s what blocks us. Shame and fear block us from connection, from belonging.
Our society actually encourages this loneliness and disconnection. Your loneliness is not a problem, only an as-yet unmet market niche! We’ve sorted ourselves into factions. It can be exhausting trying to deal with disagreeable and strident people with whom we disagree. I get it. It makes sense that we would start to circle in among like-minded souls simply to maintain some sanity. But that’s actually not helping. I contend that’s actually what our dysfunctional capitalist society wants us to do because it makes us lonelier.
We focus in with like-minded people, those with whom we don’t have to argue. We’ve done this in an effort to belong but ironically it just continues to drive our loneliness deeper. Narrowing the circle to which we belong only serves to shield us from different opinions and perspectives that frustrate us or challenge us. We may be less stressed but we don’t grow. And interestingly, it doesn’t help us feel like we belong. It only makes us feel more embattled.
According to a research book from 2009 called The Big Sort by Bill Bishop, as people
“… choose the group that makes them feel the most comfortable – the nation grows more politically segregated – and the benefit that ought to come with having a variety of opinions is lost to the righteousness that is the special entitlement of homogeneous groups.” (quoted in Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown, p 46)
It perhaps seems counter-intuitive, but to increase your sense of belonging, of connection, seek out people and opinions that are dissimilar to your own. It broadens your base of belonging.
In that Bill Bishop book from ten years back, there are some statistics. He writes, “In 1976 less than 25 percent of Americans lived in places there the presidential election was a landslide.” Meaning, over 75% of us lived in places where there was a variety of opinion. Folks mingled more back then. How much more? “In 2016,” Brene Brown tells us “80 percent of US counties were a landslide” for either the Democrat or Republican candidate. Most of us no longer live near people who are different from us in terms of social and political issues.
Interestingly, Brene points out that at the same time, the number of people reporting feelings of loneliness jumped from 20% in the 80’s to over 40% today. Karen Marsh sent me an article just yesterday corroborating that last statistic. The article was about a recent Cigna study of 20 thousand Americans on the topic of loneliness published just last year The study found 46% – almost half – of the participants reported they “sometimes or always feel alone or left out.”
And this is at the same time we are sorting ourselves into finer niches and factions. It’s corollary rather than causal, I know that. But it’s still suggestive. And when you sit with it, doesn’t it make sense? We separate ourselves out from people who think differently and we lose the benefit of deeper connections.
When we are driven into these lonely factions, we become more easily manipulated. Not just by markets trying to sell us spurious fixes for our isolation but also by our own inability to understand others. Our empathy withers, our capacity to be creative is curtailed, and our willingness to go out of our way for a stranger is circumscribed. We grow numb to our own suffering and that of others. And that, my friends, is the condition from which atrocities can arise.
What is the way out?
Buddhist teacher and civil rights activist Joan Halifax talks about ‘strong back, soft front.’ Her analysis is essentially the same as I’ve unpacked here, but they way she lays it out also reveals the way forward. She says,
“All too often our so-called strength comes from fear, not love; instead of having a strong back, many of us have a defended front shielding a weak spine. In other words, we walk around brittle and defensive, trying to conceal our lack of confidence. If we strengthen our backs, metaphorically speaking, and develop a spine that’s flexible but sturdy, then we can risk having a front that is soft and open.” (quoted in Braving the Wilderness, p147)
So how do we go about this work of having a stronger back and a softer front? I think part of the implication in the suggestion is to accept our loneliness, to even welcome and lean-in to the lonely times in our lives. It is not the loneliness that creates isolation and disconnection. It is fear and shame. The more comfortable we become with out loneliness, the more ‘at home’ we become in almost any setting. We begin to recognize the love that is holding all that we love and that we rest in that love. We pour gold in the cracks of our lonely and broken lives, and shine.
This brings me back around to Dr. Brene Brown. One of her recent books is titled Braving the Wilderness, and it’s all about ‘belonging in a polarized culture.’ The heart of it all is the realization that, yes, it’s pretty bad out there. But what you have within you is better. The solution does not hinge on what is out there, on finding the right group or the right people. It’s about building it out there because you’ve already found it within yourself. Then we go out and find communities, not of like-minded people, but of like-hearted people.
Brene begins her book with the story of meeting Dr. Maya Angelou. Brene had idolized Maya for years, largely because of the wisdom from her poetry and her books. Maya Angelou had been a luminary for Brene over the years, an elder to look up to and learn from through her writings and public offerings.
But there was one quote Brene had found of Maya’s early on that struck her at the time and stuck with her for more than a decade. It disturbed her because it didn’t make sense. It was like the proverbial pebble in her shoe. Dr. Maya Angelou once said
“You are only free when you realize you belong no place – you belong every place – no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.”
It disturbed Brene because she – like all of us – had lived the experiences of exclusion, of not fitting in, of having no place to belong. She thought, the whole point of belonging is to have a place. I belong here or there.
I recognize this confusion. I often think about special places in my life, places in which I’ve felt connected, welcomed, seen. I think of places that feel like home. But really, when I think longer about it – those places are about connections with events and people. Sometimes those places where I feel I’ve belonged are about experiences I have of deeper connection with myself. It’s all less about the place and more something within me.
“You are only free when you realize you belong no place – you belong every place – no place at all.” Brene puts it like this: “I still thought of belonging as requiring something eternal to us… an experience that always involved others. … As I dug deeper into true belonging, it became clear that it’s not something we achieve of accomplish with others; it’s something we carry in our heart.” (Braving the Wilderness, p 32)
There is a love holding us
There is a love holding all that we love
There is a love holding all
We rest in this love
We all carry experiences of loneliness and heartache. How beautiful it can be when we’ve healed and allow ourselves to reveal the healing rather than hide it; when we witness for others that healing can happen, that it does happen quite often. It’s not about the cracks and broken places. It’s about the love that flows through.
Lean in to the differences around you. Don’t narrow your circle to only those like-minded souls who do not disturb your living. Seek the like-hearted. Let your own scars bear witness to your broken, lonely heart that you may better see the same in others. Belong nowhere, that you may belong everywhere. Be vulnerable, that you may rise in joy, worthiness, in love
In a world without end,
May it be so.
How to Be a Perfect Stranger
Rev. Douglas Taylor
As I shared with the children during the story, we’re moving for a bit. As in the story, https://www.uua.org/re/tapestry/youth/bridges/workshop1/185618.shtml we are going away from home on a journey of several months, and then coming back to discover our treasure. And, like in the story, in order to find the treasure here at home, we need to go away for a bit. So that’s what we’ll do.
And, this morning I will bring us up to date with some details about this. I’ll share the plans as they currently stand. But I also want to talk about what this means, why it’s important and valuable for us to do it like this, and what is at risk for us in this passage.
And to offer some context for my remarks, the Soul Matters monthly worship theme for October is “Belonging.” So, let’s talk about leaving our home for several months in the context of belonging. How shall we ‘belong’ in a space that belongs to someone else? How are we to maintain our sense of belonging when we are away from home?
Some of the answer to that is personal, and I’ll talk more about that next week. There is a way of being in the world in which by belonging nowhere, you can belong anywhere. But that’s for next week. Today, let’s consider the more communal element of this. How shall we ‘belong’ in a space that belongs to someone else? Some of the answer is: that being a good guest is its own way of belonging.
Everything that will happen for us during these few months away is both temporary and by our choice. This is an opportunity to rely on the generous hosting of another community. So often the conversation about hospitality is about how we offer it. We spend time talking about the value of being generous, of hosting space, of opening ourselves so others can also be here. Today, we’re talking about the art of receiving that generosity. The art of being a good guest. Or to name with a common religious phrasing: they are going to “welcome the stranger.” We get to work on being good strangers.
The United Presbyterian Church will be opening its building to us starting January 1st, 2020. We will be their guests for about 8 months. We will worship in their space; we will establish an office and move our copy machine and phone number over there. We’ll have meetings there and classes and almost everything we might have done here, within reason.
Their building is at 42 Chenango street in downtown Binghamton, just above the courthouse traffic circle and below the bus station. Fun fact: they are about a block north of where our Universalist Church building had been in the 1800’s.
United Presbyterian is a congregation that grew from the merger of two other Presbyterian congregations a few years back: First & West. Full disclosure: one of the rumors floating around their place is that we’re merging with them. I’ve been talking about our anxiety over these months; their anxiety looks different from ours. So, if you hear me emphasizing the temporary element of this a lot, now you know why. They have a big merger in their recent history and that colors much of their view of a conversation like this.
But they are not merging with us. They are opening their space in hospitality to us. The Hebrews epistle in Christian Scripture advises the people to be hospitable. “Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.” This, perhaps is a guiding passage for them. They are entertaining strangers and perhaps angels unaware. So, the inversion of that – for us – might be: “Be not forgetful that you may unknowingly be as an angel to those who entertain you.”
This passage refers to a couple of times in Genesis when angels have visited Abraham or Lot or Jacob, and while they were not recognized as angels at first or even at all, the people received a blessing for offering hospitality. The lesson is usually: be hospitable. You’re probably just being kind to some random, normal person. And you might win the angel lottery!
Today, we are the ones looking for hospitality. And this Christian congregation is opening its doors to us. The ministers of that congregation, Rev. Kimberly Chastain and Rev. Becky Kindig have shared with me that opening their building to people from the community in need is part of their mission as a congregation. They house several community organizations and activities in their building.
The Binghamton GED program has space in their building. Both Truth Pharm and VINES have an office there. NAACP has some meetings in their space and the Urban League runs an after-school program in the basement. And that’s just a first brush of groups that are regularly in the building each week. And as a side note, that list reveals the similar values we have in common between our congregations.
They open their building to the community. That’s part of their purpose and their mission. That’s a key part of why they said ‘yes’ to us. Our work is to let them welcome us and host us. This harkens to some of what was shared in our reading from Jeffery Lockwood, The fine Art of the Good Guest.
“One begins by demanding nothing more than the bare elements of life and dignity, which every host is more than delighted to exceed. The good guest then simply allows the other person to be a good host—to share [their] gifts.“
The leadership of this Presbyterian congregation are not forgetful to entertain strangers. So, how do we enter into this with the possibility that we may unknowingly be as angels to them, that we may unknowingly end up blessing them. I mean, the trick in that way of framing it is we won’t know what we might do to be a blessing to them. But let’s enter into this knowing that from their perspective, welcoming us is part of their holy work.
Let me give you a few of the details of the plan as it is so far. We’re still negotiating, so there are some gaps and open-ended pieces here and there. But we have a general sense of what this is going to be like. A central question has been, “When will we have our worship services each Sunday?’
They worship from 10:00 to 11:15 and then go into a social hour. They are inviting us to come in to share social hour, say around 11:30. We would do our social hour before our worship service. We would begin workshop at 12:30. This timing is the most significant compromise we’ve made here. We wanted to maintain our regular worship time but as we explored places to meet, keeping our 10:30 worship time became less and less realistic. It’s not what we wanted, but we can make it work.
Many of you I am sure recall that we were also considering a Jewish congregation as a location. The Board decided to go with United Presbyterian for a few reasons such as accessibility, cost, and parking.
Let me tell you about how lucky we are with our current parking situation as a congregation. We never have to worry about parking here. When we come back from our journey, I suspect we will be overjoyed not only with the renovations but also to have out parking lot again.
Anyway, at United Presbyterian, there is street parking and a good-sized parking garage half a block from the church. All of that parking is free on Sundays. We’re still negotiating how we’ll use the small parking lot behind the church.
We’re also considering how we might establish a Sunday morning shuttle from the garage to the church door (and vice versa) for folks who need extra help, especially in the winter months; like shuttle-ushers. Watch for a sign-up sheet if you think you’ll want that shuttling support or if you think you might offer that shuttling. This is an example of how we turn a potential problem into an opportunity.
There are various lists floating around the internet, advice columns about how to be a good guest. They generally have tips like: arrive with a gift, ask about house rules, give you host personal space, keep the common areas clean, strip you bed when upon departure, and leave a parting gift. [For example: https://www.wisebread.com/11-simple-rules-of-excellent-houseguest-etiquette] I’m not sure that one about stripping the bed is applicable, but many other suggestions can translate.
With such advice in mind, we can turn our attention away from what might be a problem for us, to how might we bring a gift to them or lend a hand where needed.
I will share that we are planning to keep our custodial staff employed while we are visiting United Presbyterian, to lighten the cleaning load our presence will create. We are looking into snow removal options – they usually just plow their back lot but that leaves the snow piled up and in the way. Parking matters to us so we’re looking into a snow-removal company. In other words, one way we are going to be good guests is to share the work of keeping the common spaces clean and in good repair (and clear of snow).
The leaders of United Presbyterian were excited about the possibility of hosting Cranberry Coffeehouse in their space. Our two congregations took a little too long getting to the negotiation table, and the leadership of Cranberry Coffeehouse chose to not sit on their hands waiting. They looked around and found a community center called The Mansion on Walnut street just above Main where they will host their events through this winter and spring. And before you ask, Yes, they are intending to return to this building when our renovations are done. But Cranberry will not be travelling with us on our treasure-seeking journey away from home. They will have their own adventures.
We will be taking our pagans with us, though. Our CUUPs (Covenant of Unitarian Universalist Pagans) group asked us to check in about this specifically. There’s some tension between Christians and Pagans from way back. Our pagan group wondered if they would be welcomed by the Presbyterians. So, we checked.
The Presbyterian leaders said, “Oh that’s no problem, in fact there are some of our folks here who are very interested in that kind of spirituality and would want to learn more.” They also shared an interesting connection from their recent experiences. United Presb. was a host site for LUMA a few months back. [LUMA is the public art event using 3D light displays.] There was one installation set up inside their sanctuary. It was a large statue, a representation of some ancient pagan god, as it happened; set up right there in the sanctuary for the weekend.
Well on Sunday morning, that statue was still there, off to the side waiting to be picked up after the event. Some conservative Presbyterians from out of town got wind of this and someone wrote a scathing tell-all about how the Binghamton Presbyterians were worshiping a pagan god in their sanctuary! You know how social media can be … the story travelled … things escalated. This was all just last month.
So, then we show up and we’re like, “Are you okay with our pagans using your space for discussions and rituals?” And they said, “Yes. That’s fine.” Someone had accused them falsely of cavorting with paganism and they respond with “Oh, we’ll get some real pagans in here, just you wait.”
I’m not suggesting this will be a perfect fit. Our 8-month stay with them will be bumpy. Some among us will probably stay away because 12:30 is too late, because their sanctuary is too Christian, because the community is too downtown, or it’s all just too different. And perhaps other people will start showing up more because 12:30 works, because their sanctuary is Christian, because the community is downtown, or simply because it’s all just different. We’ll see.
I will mention we will set up some tours in the next few months. It’d be nice to get to know the space. We have plans to host and co-host some potlucks, forums, and other such activities. And, this year our annual Charles Dickens’ “Christmas Carol” Radio Play will be performed over at United Presbyterian. We’ll open the casting up to their congregation as well. That will be Sunday December 22nd in the afternoon. That will be a chance to meet some of them and visit the space.
How shall we ‘belong’ in a space that belongs to someone else? While we love our current building, we are looking forward to the new space we will have when we return. But consider the value of traveling for a time among people of a different community.
May our adventuresome travels away from home serve to heighten our awareness and appreciation of the treasure we may discover upon returning home. May our time among others serve as a blessing to us and to them. May we experience the virtue of expanding the circle of our care, of being good guests, of being perfect strangers. And may we discover what it is like to be entertained as if we might be angels unaware – that we may be better ready to do the same when we our turn arrives.
In a world without end, may it be so.
Expecting Error, Accepting Atonement
September 29, 2019
Rev. Douglas Taylor
We are at an anxious moment in the life of our congregation and in our country. There has been a lot of turmoil politically leading up to the recent announcement of the impeachment inquiry of the current US president. It has been a long road, and we are at the beginning of a new chapter politically. There has been a great deal of trouble these recent years for immigrants, transgender folks, people of color, and the poor in terms of the current administration’s policies and actions and tweets. Now is not an easy time to identify as a person on the margins in our country.
At the same time, there are positive changes at hand. There has been a rising-up of people at the margins, a calling out of harmful behaviors that used to go unnoticed and unchecked. With the surge of the Black Lives Matter movement, the #metoo movement, and other similar undertakings at play in our society, it is also becoming thankfully more difficult to be complacent and unaware of the harm happening to people traditionally at the margins.
Perhaps you are thinking to yourself, “I did not think this was going to be one of his political sermons.” It’s not. I’m talking about forgiveness today. But I want us to be cognizant of our context. With atrocities and injustices piling up around us in the world and in our nation, it can be jarring to talk about ‘assuming best intentions’ when we bump up against each other. With all the trouble out there, many people don’t have much ‘benefit of the doubt’ left to give. With all I am reading and hearing from people in harm’s way, I am not feeling inclined to ‘just let it go’ or ‘just give ‘em another try.’
And here is my point: Where does that leave us for simpler interpersonal troubles. Where does that leave us when we are dealing with injuries and broken relationships among friends? It is as if the usual cushion of grace and mercy and ‘positive regard for all’ is too thin of late to account for even the smaller slights of our living.
What I’m saying is: I am worried for us. Because let us not forget, this community is in the midst of a lot of anxiety-producing work! We have raised a million dollars in pledging for our capital campaign. The bids are out to the contractors and we eagerly await the news of how much it will actually cost, with that looming worry that our one million dollars – so large and phenomenal a number – will prove insufficient for the amount of work. We are in that delicate ‘moment of unknowing.’ We can start dreaming up the worst scenarios with no reality to check our imaginations.
I am feeling anxious about all that is unknown and unresolved here in our church-life and in our country. I am normally a bastion of non-anxiousness. But friends, I am anxious. I’m anxious about the president. I’m anxious about climate change. I’m anxious about what the contractors are going to say about our renovation plans. I’m a little anxious.
This is the context in which I would speak of forgiveness. Because, the art of forgiveness is one of the ways to ease our anxiety. When we are anxious, we become like the proverbial powder keg. Forgiveness is a salve or balm for our daily living. And here I’m talking about the simplest form of forgiveness, almost more of ‘practice-level forgiveness’ than actual forgiveness. Did you know there are different levels, different kinds of forgiveness? There are. Let me tell you about this most simple form: Practice-level forgiveness.
Practice-level forgiveness is a simple form where we try it out, we work on it privately in low-risk settings. It looks like this: when I’m driving to work in the morning and another driver does something aggressive or annoying or stupid, I can respond with practice-level forgiveness. This is not the same as ignoring the other driver’s behavior or doing my meditative breathing. This is not ‘Oh, well’ or ‘whatever.’ It is about recognizing the other driver’s aggressive or annoying behavior and forgiving it. “That driver is in a hurry,” I might think. “That driver must be having a rough day.”
When I am having a rough day, I am more inclined to call aggressive and annoying drivers by rude names. I am more inclined to judge them harshly and assume things about their upbringing. I’m not proud of that. I’m just telling you what it can be like sometimes. It is healthier for me to offer practice-level forgiveness to that other driver.
I think about the other driver. I notice their driving behavior and – honestly – I make up a snap story about the other driver, maybe put myself in that other driver’s shoes and then make up a generous story about what is going on for them. Maybe they need to find a bathroom, fast. Maybe they are on their way to the hospital. Maybe they just got fired or they’re exhausted or they’re distracted by the news report on the radio.
Do you hear how that’s not the same as just ignoring an annoying driver? Ignoring it is to not think about the other driver, to just focus on your own driving. That’s a good thing to do. But it’s not forgiveness. This simple practice-level forgiveness is almost closer to what happens when I call other drivers rude names. Think about it. When I think ill of the other driver, I’m making a judgement about them. “That guy is a real jerk.” Well, in practice-level forgiveness I am also making a judgement about them. “That person must be having a rough day.” And I don’t really know what kind of day they’re having. Maybe they really are a jerk and I’m letting them off easy. But you know what – it doesn’t matter. My opinion about that other driver only affects me.
In her book Of Mess and Moxie, Jen Hatmaker shares something similar. She writes:
“Back when I was nurturing my anger, I’d spend a good half the day replaying, remembering words… I practiced comebacks … You know what the other person likely did that day? Ate a sandwich, answered some emails… I deferred my own peace and the only loss was mine.” (192-3)
And hear me: this is all practice-level forgiveness. If that aggressive or annoying driver hits my car, causes an accident, does actual harm, then we can talk about other levels of forgiveness. But at this point, the other driver is just one of a multitude of little annoyances on my way to work. Neither my scathing glare or my generous forgiveness make a wit of difference to the other driver except in how it may alter my driving behavior and my attitude about the day.
Ultimately, I am steering us to look at this in terms of how we interact with other people. In the practice-level of forgiveness, we are practicing meeting each other. We develop a habit of being open to the reality that everyone is going through something.
This is the beginning. It is about tempering my expectations of myself, of others, of life in general. If I can keep the reality of errors or imperfections in the equation when going through my day, it makes it easier to roll with it when things don’t go as expected, when people don’t behave as expected. Practice-level forgiveness, is really about tuning in to what’s going on for other people. It’s not exactly forgiveness. Not really. It’s just a warm-up to when it might be needed. You can think of it as empathy training. It’s the groundwork – learning to meet other people in the messy imperfections of our lives.
This is like that amazing poem by William Stafford “A Ritual to Read to Each Other.” The poem, and this sermon so far, is not exactly about forgiveness so much as about meeting each other, about connecting. Stafford writes:
If you don’t know the kind of person I am
and I don’t know the kind of person you are
a pattern that others made may prevail in the world
and following the wrong god home we may miss our star.
For there is many a small betrayal in the mind,
a shrug that lets the fragile sequence break
sending with shouts the horrible errors of childhood
storming out to play through the broken dike.
And as elephants parade holding each elephant’s tail,
but if one wanders the circus won’t find the park,
I call it cruel and maybe the root of all cruelty
to know what occurs but not recognize the fact.
And so I appeal to a voice, to something shadowy,
a remote important region in all who talk:
though we could fool each other, we should consider—
lest the parade of our mutual life get lost in the dark.
For it is important that awake people be awake,
or a breaking line may discourage them back to sleep;
the signals we give — yes or no, or maybe —
should be clear: the darkness around us is deep
In many ways, I contend, the work of actual, full-level forgiveness is about the repairing of relationship, about meeting each other across our mistakes and crimes. It about keeping the connection – the parade of our mutual life – despite the injuries. As we move on from the practice-level forgiveness, we weave our way into the harder work of actual forgiveness.
Now, when we get to this part, I imagine many of us begin to consider the injuries we’ve experienced. I am not unaware of the difficulty here. The realities of abuse and betrayal are fierce and immutable. Not all relationships should be reconciled or even repaired. Some of the wounds are bruises to our feelings and others are literal wounds to our bodies. Author and speaker Jen Hatmaker puts it succinctly: “There are degrees of harm, and not all pain is equal.” Hatmaker continues from there, writing: “Our paths to health vary, but we all have this common denominator as the foundation of healing: Forgiveness.” (p190)
To be clear, forgiveness and reconciliation often go together but they are not the same thing. As with the practice-level forgiveness and the example of my morning commute to work: my attitude of forgiveness does not necessarily mean there is any change or impact on the person I am forgiving. But it has a tremendous impact on me. This is true with the full-level forgiveness as well. It can lead to reconciliation but it does not need to. Forgiveness serves to heal you. That puts you in a position to be able to heal the relationship if that is the path your healing takes.
Jen Hatmaker, again from her book Of Mess and Moxie, articulates this with remarkable clarity. She writes:
“The work of forgiveness is so challenging—the actual work of it. The naming, grieving, empathizing, releasing. It’s like a death. A death of what we wanted, what we expected, what we’d hoped for, what we deserved and didn’t receive…. We don’t get to control other people or outcomes. I am as devastated about this as you.” (p193)
She uses the metaphor of death. “It is like a death,” she says. “A death of what we wanted, what we expected.” The Jack Kornfield reading (The Ancient Art of Forgiveness) offers the same metaphor. The woman in Kornfield’s story, you may recall, said she would kill the boy, but what she did was kill that murderer from within the boy. It’s like a death … of what we expected, of the way the story was supposed to be. And instead something else grew. Instead, an unexpected opening appeared, healing took root, atonement became possible.
And given the context of our living, it is good to allow the grace of healing and atonement to be within reach. Given the looming impeachment proceedings, the foreboding climate crisis, the lingering moments of unknowing at play for our congregation, and countless other concerns weighing on our anxious hearts, is it not good to take some time do some practice-level forgiveness or even full-blown forgiveness with the people in your life.
It is good because many of us have grown a little weary and worn of late. The healing you gain will aid you as you weave your way through the other anxieties of your day. The healing and atonement possible will help restore our spirits and return us to wholeness in our beautifully broken way.
In a world without end,
May it be so.
A sermon on the dance between Liberal Theology and Liberation Theology in Unitarian Universalism
The Gentle Oppressor
Rev. Douglas Taylor
September 15, 2019
Something interesting and perhaps unsettling is happening in Unitarian Universalism lately. There is a change unfolding among us, a turning. And it has to do with something deep. It is about how we do our justice work and the theology behind it – which means this unfolding change, this turning, is about our very identity as a people of faith.
My colleague Darrick Jackson serves on the UUMA executive team and recently wrote a reflection that talks about the impact of this unfolding change among us. Jackson shared about something that came up for him:
… in response to a conversation with a young, white, male layperson. In it, [the young man] asked if there was a place for him in Unitarian Universalism. [Jackson goes on to say] This question resonated with me and had me, a gay, middle-aged man of color, asking the same thing. It struck me that we were both seeking a place in this faith, and neither of us felt like we fit. …
Let me share with you where such questions are coming from. The Black Lives Matter movement began in its current iteration back in 2014 with the death of Michael Brown in Ferguson. Unitarian Universalist churches, in solidarity started hanging Black Lives Matter banners, participating in rallies and marches, and generally getting involved in the anti-racist effort to end unchecked police violence against black and brown bodies.
A few years later, we Unitarian Universalists had moment in which people said, ‘wait a minute. We are doing all this anti-racism work out in the streets but our congregations and our regional & UUA staffing continues to be predominantly white. Let’s do some internal work.’
And 18 months ago, our congregation, along with most other UU congregations, hosted a “Teach-In about White Supremacy.” It is hard to look at our own UU culture and tease out the places in which we participate in the systems of oppression. There has been an increased attention lately to the voices of people of color, a centering of people and voices that have traditionally been at the margin of our UU culture. It’s beginning to get noticeable.
This is difficult in part because Unitarian Universalism has a long and justifiably proud history around Social Justice. It is not easy to be called out about something we’re known for being pretty good at. American history is littered with the names of Unitarian and Universalist activists. From the fight for the abolition of slavery through the 1960’ civil rights era, Unitarians and Universalists (and after our merger in 1961, Unitarian Universalists) have been part of the work.
And not just the work of racial justice. You’ll find our names involved in the women’s movement, as advocates for better health care, at the establishment of the American Red Cross and the Sanitation Commission, as early proponents for same-sex marriage, and at the southern border during the ‘80’s Sanctuary Movement and today. All of that history is borne from our Liberal theological message that says freedom is an essential spiritual necessity.
This summer at General Assembly, my friend and colleague Mark Morrison-Reed received the award for Distinguished Service to the Cause of Unitarian Universalism. He has been a UU minister and scholar for many years. Mark elucidates a critical point for Unitarian Universalism along the line between liberalism and liberation and how we talk about freedom. Liberalism’s freedom is very personal. It is about freedom of thought and freedom of religion and stresses the importance of providing opportunities for individuals to be free. Liberation’s freedom is communal. It is about the shared struggle to build relationships and repair relationships that will free individuals and communities from oppressive systems.
Traditionally, we Unitarian Universalists are in the Liberal Theology camp rather than in the Liberation Theology camp. Early Universalists theology said: God is love. We are loved so the best response is to love others. Or, we are loved and so is everyone else, God doesn’t stop, so we shouldn’t either. Or, our work is to make heaven here not just wait for it later
Early Unitarians theology said: Salvation by Character, you get to heaven by being a good person, so help others and you’ll get in. Or, everyone needs the chance to develop their moral character, we need to adjust society so it can happen. Or, we are God’s hands in the world, we are the ones who bring God’s freedom and compassion to people in need.
All of those are versions of Liberal Theology. We don’t see divinity as taking sides for people and groups. Just because we are privileged does not mean God loves us more. It means we are more responsible to make things better for the whole human family. We see the holy wherever there is peace and goodness, regardless of the groups and sides. “God’s love embraces the whole human race,” is how one of our hymns puts it.
There has long been a critique of Liberal Theology, however, that says it is too entangled with colonialism to still serve. There is a patronizing element in which we offer to help the poor or the ‘least of these’ without becoming one with them. We risk perpetuating the oppressive systems even while reaching out to help those in need, we risk becoming gentle oppressors. And our Liberal Theology allows that to go unnoticed and uncritiqued.
Once place that critique does come if from Liberation Theology. Liberation Theology says that in fight against injustice, God is particularly interested in the wellbeing of the poor and disenfranchised. God has a preferential option for the poor. Liberal Theology starts with the notion that God doesn’t take sides; God is for everyone. Liberation Theology says, No. God is not neutral. Liberal Theology says, “That’s not what we meant.” Liberation Theology says, “Well, that’s how it comes out over here.” (At least, that’s what the dance sounds like in my head when I let these two Theologies interact.)
Liberation Theology starts with the analysis that some people are oppressed and other people are doing the oppressing. This can be seen as creating an ‘Us vs Them’ dichotomy, but it doesn’t stay there because the solution from a Liberation Theology perspective is that everyone needs to get free – the Us and the Them.
I began with the story of a colleague’s story in which he and another person each wondered if they fit here. Jackson goes on to write:
I believe that we all have a place here, but it might not be the place we imagined, and it might not be the place we are used to. It is a place of mutuality, respect, and integrity.
What Jackson is articulating is a way forward based in a Liberation Theology. There is room for us all here; it means a few things need to change for that to work, but a way forward is possible. What is happening in Unitarian Universalism today, this deep turning, this unfolding change I’m pointing to is a dance we are currently in around Liberal Theology and Liberation Theology.
Part of what Liberation Theology calls us into is the particular. We need to get specific. My colleague Marjorie Bowens-Wheatley has an essay in the Essex Conversations in which she writes:
What liberalism and liberation have in common is that each is engaged in a project to extend human freedom, but liberalism’s approach is inadequate, in part, because of its tendency to view freedom in the abstract — without exploring a critical question: freedom for whom to do what?
Consider this example: Liberal Theology says “All Lives Matter.” That commitment is at the heart of Liberal Theology. It is the heart of the Universalism and the Humanism I grew up in. Of course, all lives matter. And we have banner in the front of our building that says “Black Lives Matter.” This is part of the dance, the turning we are in. Can we do both? Can we say Black Lives Matter and All Lives Matter? Yes. Am I suggesting we put an “All Lives Matter” sign out? No. Part of what is at stake here is the sanctity of certain deep values and ideas. And part of what is at stake here is actual human lives. Our call for freedom needs to be specific.
The reading we had this morning https://www.uuworld.org/articles/power-we (last section by Betancourt and Ortega-Aponte) is taken from a presentation that happened at this summer’s General Assembly in Spokane WA. Part of why I selected this reading is because it lifts up some notable Liberation Theology as a reflection of who we are as Unitarian Universalists. They articulate a communal endeavor.
Believing that we are all saved together, that one life cannot reach its greater meaning unless we center the liberation of all, means not only a willingness to invest in one another and in the greater good, but also responding faithfully to the call to live into the work together.
The message has shifted from “We need to make room for them,” to “We need to make room for us.” This is the result of asking questions about who is on the margins and who is at the center. It is an impact of this dance between Liberal Theology and Liberation Theology.
Back in June, when I returned from General Assembly, I help bring a re-broadcasting of the big GA Sunday Morning worship service to you. The sermon was called “In This Delicate Turning” delivered by Reverend Marta I. Valentín. Some of you may remember because the video didn’t load and I read the transcript instead. One of the things Valentín said near the end of the sermon was about this question around centers and margins, about this question around is there room for everyone. Valentín offered this:
Am I saying we all must be the same? No. Am I saying that power needs to be shared? Yes. Am I saying that power needs to be given away? Yes. This is part of the delicate turning, the willingness to be led.
And this is what leads us back to that conversation Rev. Darrick Jackson had with that young, white, male layperson. When we draw the lines Liberation Theology asks us to notice, my identity lines up with that of the oppressor. I am white, male, and heterosexual. I understand what is at stake here. I find myself invited to take stock of where and how and at whom my power and privilege is at play. There is internal work for me to do.
The big work of justice-making is relational work, communal work. But there is inner work for me, as there is for all of us, to become clear. Who am I? Why am I invested in this faith and in this vision of a Beloved Community? Why am I involving myself in racial justice work? What is my part in perpetuating systems of harm? Or to get particular: How do we shift old trusted processes like Roberts Rules of Order and Freedom of Speech so they serve liberation rather than the status quo? And, is there room for me here in this faith? How can I move forward?
I’m not suggesting you change your theology from Liberal to Liberation – as if that was something a person could just do. I am suggestion you join the dance, allow the challenging interplay between them. Liberation Theology calls us into a place of what Betancourt called ‘collective salvation.’ Or as my colleague Theresa Soto puts it, “All of us need all of us to make it.”
Our Unitarian Universalism is in a time of unfolding change, a turning. Which voices will carry the center? What is at the center? Where are we headed? These are currently open questions. But I wholeheartedly with Jackson’s conclusion – yes. Yes, there is a place for you here. And yes, that means things will need to adjust from what they used to be like. But you know what? That’s what life is like anyway. Things are going to change, let’s be intentional about where we are headed together.
In a world without end,
May it be so.