To Know and Be Known

August 24, 2024

Rev. Douglas Taylor

Sermon video: https://youtu.be/lMpSscmevI4

Last month I was invited to preach up at First Unitarian in Rochester. It is the church where I grew up, where I attended Sunday School and youth group, where my mother was on staff and eventually was ordained to serve as their Minister of Religious Education. I’ve been invited back a few times to preach in the church where I grew up, and it is always a joy.

This summer I had the extra joy of sharing the service with a worship associate named Jenna Cohen. Jenna is a young adult who grew up here in our Binghamton congregation and as an adult is now a member up there is Rochester. Jenna snapped up the chance to be my worship associate when she saw my name on the schedule.

I mention all this to be able to tell you about a particular experience I had while I was there. They do the Open Words there service each Sunday morning in a particular way. It is now a well-worn tradition among them. The worship associate tells a personal story – they call it a “that’s why we come to church” story. Each week, someone tells a short, personal anecdote – often light-hearted, occasionally poignant – that reveals a basic, human experience of connection or insight. And the story always comes around to make the point “And isn’t that why we all come to church?”

Jenna’s story – which I am not going to share, because it’s her story, not mine to tell; if you want to you can ask Jenna some time to tell you her story – Jenna’s story was a bit of a sneak attack because while it was about her, I played a supportive role. “And my minister at the time, Rev. Douglas Taylor, supported me …”

Her conclusion, “And that’s why we come to church, isn’t it! To support each other through the good times and the hard times.” It was touching, and very relatable.

Why do you come to church? Ponder this question for a moment. I know I’ve already given away the answer I’m aiming at this morning with my title: “To Know and Be Known.” But ponder for a moment anyway and consider this question: why do you come to church?

Perhaps you show up because the people here are willing to partner with you in the work of justice – perhaps your passion is building a better world.

Perhaps you show up because you crave intellectual stimulation and the sermons are often intellectual enough to keep you showing up; or you find the classes and workshops and discussions fill that need you have to have new ideas.

Or maybe it is less academic and more about intellectual honesty – you want to you don’t have to pretend you believe a particular creed or doctrine to be allowed to participate.

Perhaps you show up because you are trans or gay and it’s just too rare to find a religious community that welcomes you. You can attend and not have to hide parts of yourself to be here.

It could be that you really like the music – the choir or our Vicky our music director, or the guest musicians we bring in to play. Or you really like to sing and you’re welcomed into the choir or just to sing along with the hymns – out loud, in public, without someone staring at you funny.

Or maybe it’s the opposite – not the music but the silence. Where else in your life do you get to sit with other people in silence for over a minute … on purpose.

Perhaps this is more personal – perhaps you come to church because you feel a little lost or you are hurting, and being in a spiritual space that accepts you is a balm for your weary soul.

Maybe you show up because it is one of the things that helps you stay sober, or because you have a friend who drags you along so they don’t feel so awkward coming alone, or because your kids need something religious and this place at least doesn’t teach them they are sinful and bad.

There are lots of reasons why a person might come to church, to this congregation. You may have several answers to the question yourself. I suspect for many of us one of the answers is about community. Everyone wants to be part of a community. We want to belong.

People do not usually join Unitarian Universalist congregations to be forgiven of their sins, or to be taught the right way to believe, or because their family expects it of them, or to get in to heaven when they die. We come – more often than not – for community, to be together with other people who share our values of respect and curiosity, compassion and justice, truth and love. Our work as a congregation is to establish ties, to build those connections, to create a congregation together.

There are many reasons why you who are here have chosen to keep showing up. You may be here for the amazing music or the uplifting message, you may be here for the stories or the rituals of candles and silence. It might be for the free coffee after the service, or something less tangible like the feeling of belonging or of being part of something larger than yourself. A very common reason is for community.

My colleague Cynthia Snavely once summed up our faith saying, ‘Connection is our holiest word.’

All around us are forces pulling us apart. We live in disconnected and alienating times. There are powers that want us isolated and lonely so as to be more easily manipulated and controlled. I don’t mean this at a conspiracy theory level – it’s just become a tactic for our consumeristic culture. And we are better consumers when we are isolated and lonely.

There is also the current politics on top of that driving us apart and keep us distracted and angry. As Unitarian Universalists we make a commitment to reconnect. Our distinctive religious work as a faith community, is the work of connection. Our work as a faith community is to create a space where people can know each other and be known.

So how do we do that? What does it look like when it is working? Here’s the rub: you have to risk something.

In our reading, Cole Arthur Riley says “To admit your desire to be known would mean acknowledging the shame asleep in you that says you aren’t worth knowing.” Our hunger to belong is a basic human trait – and as such there are countless ways that hunger is manipulated and used in the service of others. The risk is in trusting that a community like ours is not going to do that.

The way to learn if you can trust a community like this one is to test it, to risk a little or to do something with lower stakes that does not make you as vulnerable. The work of building trust and developing an authentic community of belonging is long, slow work. We’ve been at it for a long time. This congregation is far from perfect on this count, but we keep at it, we keep building and rebuilding trust together. Because we know it as our true work. 

To shift from the abstract to the specific, allow me to give examples of what I’m talking about. Low-stakes ways to risk trusting this congregation are all over the place. If you attend Sunday morning worship regularly, that is certainly a good thing. And it is not a significant risk. On the other hand, how well do we get to know each other during that hour? Certainly we are holding the silence together, we are listening to amazing music and uplifting messages together. The candles of Joys and Sorrows ritual will open some invitations to connections with the other people in the room. But most of this hour of worship is preparation time for the connections that we make outside of this hour in our congregation.

To really become known, to deepen your relationships in this congregation, it helps to do more than just show up on Sunday mornings, to take the risk of participating more. Join the choir, host a table at the Art and Gift Show or help in the kitchen, help serve food at one of the Beloved Community meals, serve as an usher or on the Caring Team. One reliable way to establish ties, and to really become a member of this community, is to serve in some fashion: to offer your gift, volunteer, be of use in some way.

The other reliable way is to receive. The announcement this morning about the Chalice Circle Sample session happening right after this service is an example of ‘receiving.’ Joining a Chalice Circle, attending a class or workshop, signing up for a book discussion: these are all ways to engage and learn something new; but often as important – they are opportunities to meet people and get to know them … and to get known.

Unitarian Universalism does not work well as a spectator religion. We are here to build community together, to participate in creating what we are as a congregation. You have a role in that process, some risk of putting yourself out there – in the giving and receiving that creates this community of connections in which we thrive.

A couple of generations back, a great Unitarian Theologian named James Luther Adams said that people come to churches for “ultimacy and intimacy.” (Robert L. Hill, The Complete Guide to Small Group Ministry: Saving the World Ten At A Time, p. 3.)

This yearning for ultimacy that Adams talks about is not done in isolation. These aren’t two separate endeavors. Seeking the ultimate is done while also seeking this sense of intimacy. We are social creatures and we need each other to be fully ourselves. Wrestling with life’s ultimate questions is best done in community. Our rich connections can lead us into the deeper meaning we long for in our living.

Our wellbeing thrives when we find spaces where we can know and be known, where we have connections with other people, where we can risk having ties that nourish us and lead us deeper into ourselves in the service of that which is greater than ourselves. And isn’t that why we come to church?

Come, let us build this congregation together, that we may all thrive.

In a world without end,

May it be so.